Why I Stopped Making My Son Say “Thank You” and “Sorry”
Parenting styles differ from one family to another, reflecting the unique values and experiences each parent brings to their role. For Emma, a mother of 8-year-old Georgie, these differences led her to question the necessity of traditional social etiquettes such as saying “thank you” and “sorry.” Rather than enforcing these phrases, Emma has chosen a path that allows her son to express himself genuinely, even if it means bucking common conventions and facing criticism from others, including her husband.
Emma’s decision traces back to her own childhood in a household that emphasized strict manners. Growing up, she was constantly reminded to be polite, and discipline was a core value instilled by her parents. Although this structure provided her with a solid grounding in social etiquette, it also left her with lasting effects of anxiety and low self-worth. Determined not to repeat the same cycle with her son, Emma adopted a more empathetic approach to parenting.
Central to her philosophy is the idea of minimizing power struggles and maintaining mutual respect. Emma doesn’t see herself as an authority figure who should impose rigid social norms on Georgie. Instead, she believes in guiding him by example rather than strict rules, allowing him to grow into his own sense of gratitude and remorse naturally. She refrains from insisting that Georgie say “thank you” or “sorry” unless he genuinely feels compelled to do so, in the hopes of fostering sincerity rather than compliance.
One incident at a playground highlighted the tensions this approach can cause. When Georgie pushed another child, Emma chose not to demand an apology from him. She personally apologized to the other child’s mother but didn’t force Georgie to do the same, as she felt an insincere apology would be meaningless. However, the other parent was unsatisfied and expected Georgie to apologize himself, which Emma respectfully declined. She explained that enforcing a hollow apology would teach her son insincerity rather than accountability.
This situation not only provoked a negative reaction from the other parent but also sparked disagreements with her husband, who believes Georgie should follow social norms and recognize the consequences of his actions. Despite the pressure, Emma remains resolute. She holds that by modeling the behaviors she hopes to see—saying “thank you” and “sorry” when it’s truly felt—Georgie will eventually adopt these expressions sincerely rather than as rote phrases.
Emma admits that her approach has faced significant scrutiny. The disapproval from others occasionally causes her to question her choices, but she ultimately believes her approach supports Georgie’s emotional development in a way that feels right for her family. She hopes he learns that his feelings are valid and that he doesn’t need to suppress or override them to conform to others’ expectations.
The debate over whether to enforce expressions of gratitude and apology touches on broader themes within parenting philosophies. Some parents, like Emma, advocate for a child-led approach, focusing on emotional authenticity over societal expectations. In contrast, others believe these phrases are essential tools for socialization, helping children understand their responsibilities toward others.
This conversation naturally leads to questions about the nature of these phrases themselves. Is saying “thank you” merely a social custom, or does it signify genuine gratitude? Similarly, does saying “sorry” truly reflect remorse, or does it become an empty gesture when forced? Emma’s perspective is that these expressions should be rooted in real feeling rather than obligation. By giving her son the space to express these sentiments voluntarily, she believes he will eventually do so more authentically.
Parenting is a journey without a singular right way, and Emma’s story underscores the complexity and individualism that come with raising children. Ultimately, every child is unique, and every parent must find the path they believe best serves their child’s growth. Emma’s unconventional approach serves as a reminder of the diverse ways parents can nurture emotionally healthy, socially aware children.
In the end, while Emma’s decision to forego making her son say “thank you” and “sorry” may seem unorthodox, it aligns with her goal of raising a child who is true to himself. Whether others agree with her method or not, it reflects the wide array of parenting styles and the importance of allowing families the freedom to choose the path that resonates with them.
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